Advice from psychologists on how to survive death. How to help cope with the loss of a loved one

“Grief becomes real only when it touches you personally” (Erich Maria Remarque).

The topic of death is very difficult, but very important. This is a stunning, unexpected, sudden tragedy. Especially if this happens to a loved one. Such a loss is always a deep shock; the shock of the blow experienced leaves scars in the soul for life. At the moment of grief, a person feels a loss of emotional connection, experiences a feeling of unfulfilled duty and guilt. How to cope with experiences, emotions, feelings and learn to live on? How to cope with the death of a loved one? How and with what to help someone who is experiencing pain from loss?

The attitude of modern society towards death

“You don’t have to cry all the time,” “Hold on,” “He’s better there,” “We’ll all be there” - a grieving person has to listen to all these consolations. Sometimes he is left alone altogether. And this happens not because friends and colleagues are cruel and indifferent people, it’s just that many are afraid of death and the grief of others. Many people want to help, but don’t know how or with what. They are afraid to show tactlessness and cannot find the right words. And the secret lies not in healing and comforting words, but in the ability to listen and let them know that you are nearby.

Modern society shuns everything related to death: it avoids conversations, refuses mourning, and tries not to show its grief. Children are afraid to answer their questions about death. There is a general belief in society that grieving for too long is a sign of mental illness or disorder. Tears are regarded as a nervous attack.

A man in his grief remains alone: the phone does not ring in his house, people avoid him, he is isolated from society. Why is this happening? Because we don’t know how to help, how to console, what to say. We are afraid not only of death, but also of the mourners. Of course, communicating with them is not entirely psychologically comfortable; there are a lot of inconveniences. He may cry, he needs to be consoled, but how? What should I talk to him about? What if you hurt him even more? Many of us cannot find answers to these questions, we distance ourselves and bide our time until the person himself copes with his loss and returns to normal. Only spiritually strong people stay close to the mourner at such a tragic moment.

Funeral and mourning rituals have been lost in society and are perceived as a relic of the past. We are “civilized, intelligent and cultured people.” But it was these ancient traditions that helped to properly survive the pain of loss. For example, mourners who were invited to the coffin to repeat certain verbal formulas brought tears to those relatives who were in numbness or shock.

Nowadays, it is considered wrong to cry at the coffin. There was an idea that tears cause a lot of distress to the soul of the deceased, that they drown him in the next world. For this reason, it is customary to cry as little as possible and restrain yourself. The refusal to mourn and the modern attitude of people towards death have very dangerous consequences for the psyche.

Grief is individual

All people experience the pain of loss differently. Therefore, the division of grief into stages (periods), accepted in psychology, is conditional and coincides with the dates of commemoration of the deceased in many world religions.

The stages that a person goes through are influenced by many factors: gender, age, state of health, emotionality, upbringing, emotional connection with the deceased.

But there are general rules that you need to know in order to assess the mental and emotional state of a person who is experiencing grief. It is necessary to have an idea of how to survive the death of a loved one, how and how to help someone who has had a misfortune. The following rules and patterns also apply to children who are experiencing the pain of loss. But they need to be treated with even greater attention and caution.

So, a loved one has died, how to cope with grief? To answer this question, it is necessary to understand what happens to the mourners at this time.

Hit

The first feeling experienced by a person who has unexpectedly lost a loved one is a lack of understanding of what and how it happened. One single thought is spinning in his head: “It can’t be!” The first reaction he experiences is shock. In essence, this is a protective reaction of our body, a kind of “psychological anesthesia.”

Shock comes in two forms:

Numbness, inability to perform usual actions.
Excessive activity, agitation, screaming, fussiness.

Moreover, these states can alternate.

A person cannot believe what happened, he sometimes begins to avoid the truth. In many cases, there is rejection of what happened. Then the person:

Looking for the face of the deceased in a crowd of people.
Talks to him.
He hears the voice of the departed, feels his presence.
He plans some events together with him.
Keeps his belongings, clothes and everything connected with him intact.

If a person denies the fact of loss for a long time, then the mechanism of self-deception is activated. He does not accept the loss because he is not ready to experience unbearable mental pain.

How to cope with the death of a loved one? Advice and methods in the initial period boil down to one thing - believe in what happened, let your feelings break out, talk about them with those who are ready to listen, cry. Typically the period lasts about 40 days. If it drags on for months or even years, you should contact a psychologist or priest.

Let's look at the cycles grief goes through.

7 stages of grief

How to cope with the death of loved ones? What are the stages of grief and how do they manifest? Psychologists identify certain stages of grief that all people who have lost loved ones experience. They do not follow one another in strict sequence; each person has his own psychological periods. Understanding what is happening to the griever can help cope with grief.

The first reaction, shock and shock, has already been discussed, here are the subsequent stages of grief:

Denial of what is happening.“This couldn’t happen” - the main reason for this reaction is fear. The person is afraid of what happened, what will happen next. The mind denies reality, a person convinces himself that nothing happened. Outwardly, he looks numb or is fussing, actively organizing a funeral. But this does not mean at all that he is easily coping with the loss, he just has not yet fully realized what happened. A person who is in a daze does not need to be protected from the worries and hassles associated with a funeral. Registration of documents, organization of funerals and memorials, ordering funeral services force you to communicate with people and help you get out of a state of shock. It happens that in a state of denial, a person ceases to adequately perceive reality and the world. This reaction is short-lived, but it is necessary to get him out of this state. To do this, you should talk to him, call him by name all the time, do not leave him alone, and distract him from his thoughts. But you should not console and reassure, as this will not help. This stage is short-lived. It is, as it were, preparatory, a person mentally prepares himself for the fact that his loved one is no longer there. And as soon as he realizes what happened, he will move on to the next stage.
Rage, resentment, anger. These feelings take over a person completely. He is angry at the whole world around him, there are no good people for him, everything is wrong. He is internally convinced that everything that happens around him is injustice. The strength of these emotions depends on the person himself. As soon as the feeling of anger passes, it is immediately replaced by the next stage of grief.
Guilt. He often remembers the deceased, moments of communication with him and begins to realize that he paid little attention, spoke harshly or rudely, did not ask for forgiveness, did not say that he loved him, and so on. The thought comes to mind: “Have I done everything to prevent this death?” Sometimes this feeling stays with a person for his entire life.
Depression. This stage is very difficult for people who are used to keeping all their feelings to themselves and not showing them to others. They deplete them from the inside, a person loses hope that life will become normal. He refuses to be sympathized with, he has a gloomy mood, he does not contact other people, he always tries to suppress his feelings, but this makes him even more unhappy. Depression after the loss of a loved one leaves an imprint on all areas of life.
Acceptance of what happened. Over time, a person comes to terms with what happened. He begins to come to his senses, life is more or less getting better. Every day his condition improves, and resentment and depression will weaken.
Revival stage. During this period, a person is uncommunicative, silent a lot and for a long time, and often withdraws into himself. The period is quite long and can last up to several years.
Organizing life without a loved one. After going through all the stages in the life of a person who has experienced grief, a lot changes, and of course, he himself becomes different. Many people try to change their previous way of life, find new friends, change jobs, and sometimes change their place of residence. It’s as if a person is building a new model of life.

Symptoms of “normal” grief

Lindemann Erich identified the symptoms of “normal” grief, that is, the feeling that every person develops when losing a loved one. So, the symptoms:

Physiological, that is, periodically recurring attacks of physical suffering: a feeling of tightness in the chest, attacks of emptiness in the stomach, weakness, dry mouth, spasms in the throat.
Behavioral- haste or slow pace of speech, inconsistency, freezing, lack of interest in business, irritability, insomnia, everything falls out of hand.
Cognitive symptoms- confusion of thoughts, self-distrust, difficulties with attention and concentration.
emotional- feelings of helplessness, loneliness, anxiety and guilt.

Time of sorrow

The shock and denial of the loss lasts about 48 hours.
During the first week, emotional exhaustion is observed (there were funerals, funeral services, meetings, wakes).
From 2 to 5 weeks, some people return to everyday activities: work, school, normal life. But those closest to us begin to feel the loss most acutely. They experience melancholy, grief, and anger more acutely. This is a period of acute grief that can drag on for a long time.
Mourning lasts from three months to a year; this is a period of helplessness. Some are overtaken by depression, others need additional care.
An anniversary is a very important event when the ritual end of mourning takes place. That is, a service, a trip to the cemetery, a memorial. Relatives gather, and the common grief eases the grief of loved ones. This happens if there is no jam. That is, if a person cannot come to terms with the loss, is not able to return to everyday life, he seems to be stuck in his grief, remaining in his grief.

A difficult life test

How can you cope with the death of a loved one? How can you bear it all and not break? The loss of a loved one is one of the difficult and serious trials in life. Every adult has experienced loss to one degree or another. It is stupid to advise a person to pull himself together in this situation. At first it is very difficult to accept the loss, but there is an opportunity not to aggravate your condition and try to cope with stress.

Unfortunately, there is no quick and universal way to survive the death of a loved one, but all measures must be taken to ensure that this grief does not result in a severe form of depression.

When you need specialist help

There are people who are “stuck” in their difficult emotional state, cannot cope with grief on their own and do not know how to cope with the death of a loved one. Psychology identifies signs that should alert others and force them to immediately consult a specialist. This should be done if the mourner:

constant obsessive thoughts about the worthlessness and purposelessness of life;
purposeful avoidance of people;
persistent thoughts of suicide or death;
there is an inability to return to the usual way of life for a long time;
slow reactions, constant inappropriate actions, uncontrollable laughter or crying;
sleep disturbances, severe weight loss or gain.

If there is any doubt or concern about a person who has recently experienced the death of a loved one, it is better to consult a psychologist. It will help the grieving person understand himself and his emotions.

You should not refuse the support of others and friends.
Take care of yourself and your physical condition.
Give free rein to your feelings and emotions.
Try to express your feelings and emotions through creativity.
Don't set time limits for grief.
Do not suppress emotions, cry out grief.
To be distracted by those who are dear and loved, that is, by the living.

How to cope with the death of a loved one? Psychologists advise writing a letter to someone who has passed away. It should say something that you didn’t manage to do or communicate during your lifetime, or admit something. In general, pour everything out on paper. You can write about how you miss a person and what you regret.

Those who believe in magic can turn to psychics for help and advice on how to survive the death of a loved one. They are also known to be good psychologists.

In difficult times, many people turn to the Lord for help. How to cope with the death of a loved one? Priests advise believers and mourners who are far from religion to come to church more often, pray for the deceased, and remember him on certain days.

How to help someone cope with the pain of loss

It is very painful to see a loved one, friend, acquaintance who has just lost a relative. How to help a person survive the death of a loved one, what to say to him, how to behave, how to alleviate his suffering?

Trying to bear the pain, many people try to distract him from what happened and avoid talking about death. But it's not right.

What should you say or do to help cope with the death of a loved one? Effective ways:

Do not ignore conversations about the deceased. If less than 6 months have passed since the death, then all the thoughts of a friend or relative revolve around the deceased. It is very important for him to speak out and cry. You cannot force him to suppress his emotions and feelings. However, if more than a year has passed since the tragedy, and all conversations still revolve around the deceased, then you should change the topic of conversation.
Distract the grieving person from his grief. Immediately after a tragedy, a person cannot be distracted by anything; he only needs moral support. But after a few weeks, it’s worth starting to give a person’s thoughts a different direction. It’s worth inviting him to some places, signing up for joint courses, and so on.
Switch the person's attention. It is best to ask him to provide some help. Show him that his help is needed and needed. Taking care of an animal speeds up the process of getting out of depression.

How to accept the death of a loved one

How to get used to loss and how to cope with the death of a loved one? Orthodoxy and the church give the following advice:

it is necessary to believe in the Mercy of the Lord;
read prayers for the deceased;
light candles in the temple for the repose of the soul;
give alms and help the suffering;
if you need spiritual help, you need to go to church and contact a priest.

Is it possible to be prepared for the death of a loved one?

Death is a terrible event, it is impossible to get used to it. For example, police officers, pathologists, investigators, doctors, who have to see many deaths, seem to learn over the years to accept the death of others without emotion, but they are all afraid of their own departure and, like all people, do not know how to cope with the departure of a very close person.

You can’t get used to death, but you can prepare yourself psychologically for the passing of a loved one:

The loss of parents is always a great tragedy. The psychological connection that is established between relatives makes their loss a very difficult experience. How to survive the death of a loved one, mother? What to do when she is no longer there? How to cope with grief? What to do and how to survive the death of a loved one, dad? How to survive grief if they die together?

No matter how old we are, coping with the loss of a parent is never easy. It seems to us that they left too soon, but it will always be at the wrong time. You need to accept a bereavement, you need to learn to live with it. For quite a long time, in our thoughts we turn to our departed father or mother, asking them for advice, but we must learn to live without their support.

Dramatically changes life. In addition to bitterness, grief and loss, there is a feeling that life has fallen into the abyss. How to survive the death of a loved one and return to life:

The fact of loss must be accepted. And the sooner this happens, the better. You need to understand that the person will never be with you again, that neither tears nor mental anguish will bring him back. We must learn to live without a mother or father.
Memory is the greatest human value; our deceased parents continue to live in it. Remembering them, you should not forget about yourself, your plans, affairs, aspirations.
It is worth gradually getting rid of difficult memories of death. They make a person depressed. Psychologists advise you to cry, you can go to a psychologist or priest. You can start keeping a diary, the main thing is not to keep everything to yourself.
If you feel lonely, you need to find someone who needs care and attention. You can have a pet. Their selfless love and vitality will help overcome grief.

There are no ready-made recipes for how to survive the death of a loved one that are suitable for absolutely all people. Loss situations and emotional connections are different for everyone. And everyone experiences grief differently.

What is the easiest way to cope with the death of a loved one? You need to find something that will ease your soul, do not be shy to show emotions and feelings. Psychologists believe that you need to “get over” grief, and only then will relief come.

Remember with kind words and deeds

People often ask how to ease their grief after the death of a loved one. How to live with this? Easing the pain of loss is sometimes impossible and unnecessary. The time will come when you can manage your grief. To ease the pain a little, you can do something in memory of the deceased. Maybe he dreamed of doing something himself, he could bring this matter to completion. You can do charity work in his memory, dedicate some creation in his honor.

How to cope with the death of a loved one? There is no universal and simple advice; it is a multifaceted and individual process. But the most important thing:

You need to give yourself time for the mental wound to heal.
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
It is necessary to monitor your diet and follow a daily routine.
Do not rush to calm yourself down with alcohol or medications.
Do not self-medicate. If you cannot do without sedatives, it is better to consult a doctor for a prescription and recommendations.
You need to talk about your deceased loved one with anyone who will listen.

And most importantly, accepting the loss and learning to live with it does not mean forgetting or betraying. This is healing, that is, a correct and natural process.

Conclusion

Each of us, even before birth, receives his place in the structure of his clan. But what energy a person will leave for his family becomes clear only when his life ends. We should not be afraid to talk about a deceased person, tell more about him to children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It is very good if legends of the family arise. If a person has lived his life with dignity, he will remain forever in the hearts of the living, and the grieving process will be aimed at the good memory of him.

Every day on Earth, for various reasons, a huge number of people die, leaving behind loved ones who sincerely mourn them. Experiencing bereavement in the form of depression or even deep grief after the death of a loved one (for example, a mother or husband) is an absolutely normal reaction to such a loss. And people feel especially acutely about the death of a child (son or daughter).

However, for some people, natural symptoms of grief such as guilt, insomnia, numbness, and sobbing can lead to more serious symptoms, including grief (deep grief) and depressive disorder (Major clinical depression).

Symptoms of natural grief

Grief differs from natural grief in its duration and intensity. People experiencing normal grief can often explain why they are sad. They continue to function normally in society, and are usually able to overcome their intense sadness within a relatively short period of time (usually within a month or two).

Typically, after the death of a very close person (husband, mother, son or daughter, brother or sister), strong feelings such as grief or depression may intensify over several days, weeks or even months. And sometimes such depression can develop even after the death of a beloved animal.

Almost every person, faced with the death of a loved one (especially a child, mother, beloved husband), will experience the following natural symptoms:

feeling of guilt for what they did (or did not do) before the death of a loved one. So, a mother can reproach herself for not saving her son;
obsessive thoughts, like this: “It would be better if I died instead of my husband!” Thus, parents may regret that death did not take them instead of the child;
imaginary feeling that they see or hear the deceased;
sleep problems;
changing eating and exercise habits;
desire to be socially isolated.

Stages of Loss and Grief

To understand how real clinical depression can develop from ordinary grief, you need to know what stages people go through after the death of a loved one (husband, mother, child, etc.).
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross presented 5 stages of grief after the death of a loved one in her book On Death and Dying. These stages of grief are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life.

In the event of loss, a person spends a different amount of time in each stage. In addition, each stage may differ in intensity. These five stages can occur in any order. We often move between these stages until we come to terms with death. Everyone grieves differently. Some people are outwardly very emotional, while others will experience grief internally, perhaps without even crying. But, one way or another, all people go through the five stages of grief:

The first stage is denial and isolation;

The second stage is anger;

The third stage is bargaining;

The fourth stage is depression;

The fifth stage is acceptance.

While all the emotions that people experience during any of these stages are natural, not everyone who grieves goes through all of these stages—and that's okay, too. Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to go through all these stages in order to move on with your life. In fact, some people are able to grieve without going through any of these stages. So don’t worry about how you “should” feel or what stage you should be in right now.

When does Grief become Depression?

All of the above symptoms and stages of grief are completely normal. They help people adapt to loss and accept new living conditions after the death of a loved one.

The difference between grief and clinical depression is not always easy to discern because they share many symptoms, but there is a difference.

Remember, grief comes in waves. It includes a wide range of emotions and a mix of bad and good days. Even when you are grieving greatly, you can still have moments of joy or happiness. And with depression, the feeling of emptiness and despair is constant.

If a grieving person is experiencing significant symptoms of depression, it is time to seek help. This must be done in cases where the grieving person has:

lack of concentration and complete inability to concentrate;
unusually acute feelings of worthlessness or guilt;
anxiety or depression that does not go away, but only gets worse over time;
sleep problems that last more than six weeks;
intrusive memories during the day and nightmares at night, which constantly keep a person in suspense;
sudden weight gain or loss;
unexplained physical symptoms, such as unreasonable pain in one or another part of the body, rapid heartbeat, profuse sweating, digestive problems or difficulty breathing;
thoughts that the deceased continues to be nearby, visual or auditory hallucinations;
strange or antisocial behavior;
thoughts of suicide, which can only be stopped by very serious arguments (for example, the mother has another child);
breaking all social contacts.

All of these symptoms may indicate the onset of clinical depression following the death of a loved one. If any of these symptoms last more than two months after the death of a loved one, it is a signal that the person needs professional help.

Symptoms of depression or post-traumatic shock will be most severe if a person witnesses the sudden death of a loved one, or is close to the death of a loved one, such as a child.

Depression as a complication of grief

Negative feelings such as hopelessness and helplessness are part of the normal mourning process, but they can also be symptoms of depression or other mental disorders. But sometimes grief, which is normal in this situation, turns into a mental disorder. Depression is just one of a number of mental health conditions that may be associated with the death of a loved one. Other disorders include generalized anxiety disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder.

It is not without reason that one of the proposed future changes in the classification of mental illnesses proposed by American psychiatrists is the introduction of a new category of mental illness - aggravated grief. The burdened experience of grief, which is also sometimes called traumatic or prolonged grief, is proposed to be considered a complex mental disorder. It will be diagnosed if general symptoms of severe grief, such as sadness after the death of a loved one (husband, child or other relatives), difficulty moving on, depression or anger after such a loss, last more than six months.

Diagnosis of complicated grief disorder is expected to be made based on two criteria:

First criterion. The grieving person yearns for the deceased daily and very intensely.

Second criterion. A person must experience, and also interfere with their normal functioning, at least five of the following symptoms:

the impossibility of accepting this death;
feeling overwhelmed or shocked after the death of a loved one;
anger or bitterness experienced after the death of relatives (for example, anger at a husband for leaving his wife);
numbness or stupor (this happens especially often after the loss of a child);
difficulty defining a purpose in life after loss;
extreme uncertainty of one's role in life;
avoidance of everything that is a reminder of death;
inability to trust people, because such a person believes that a loved one betrayed him with his death;
the feeling that life has lost all meaning.

Preventing Depression After Loss

Once grief becomes clinical depression, it can no longer be overcome by ordinary mourning, so in this case it is necessary to consult a psychotherapist.
Treatment for such depression usually includes antidepressants and interpersonal or cognitive behavioral therapy.

However, there are ways in which people themselves can prevent grief from turning into depression.

Live in reality, accept the reality of loss and realize that even in grief it does not cease to be a part of everyday life. Connect with family and friends more often.

Take a different route. Try to adapt to the new reality by doing things differently. For example, take up a new hobby, or give up activities that are painful reminders of your loved one. Move forward - force yourself to move, communicate and participate in pleasant events.

"Where there is life, there is death"

ACCEPTING LOSS

Worrying death of a loved one , the person is deeply worried and loss parts of one's own personality. There are several reasons for this. Personality develops in relationships with other people, and therefore when a person dies, part of his personality also dies. relatives.

Co death of a loved one I have to say goodbye forever to a significant part of my life that was connected with him. It is painful to forever part with the hopes and plans for the future that included the one who died.

The main feeling that a person experiences when experiencing death of a loved one- heavy grief. It can be so unbearable, especially in the first time after the incident, that the psyche blocks the perception of reality and denies what happened loss. A person lives without noticing loss: it either seems to him that close alive, or he thinks that nothing terrible happened: “Everyone will die someday.” Shock and denial of what happened block the incredible grief, but they are able to help the unfortunate person only at first. If he does not cry at the funeral, for 9, 40 days, automatically performing all funeral rituals, if he tries to fill his life with joy and pleasure, protecting himself from sadness and despair, this death will destroy his life, filling it for many years apathy, a series of psychosomatic diseases or depression.

Protect the psyche with denial of death no more than three days. At funerals, both men and women need to cry, and also observe all the rituals - they really help to survive loss.

The hardest thing is to accept the fact of death, accept that close no more and never will be. It is inhumanly painful and difficult. But only this acceptance gives hope for one’s own revival and a further happy life without this beloved and dear person.

This is the most important stage in the experience grief. IN psychologist and the whole process from the news of of death close until the moment when you can live on without this person, having survived him death- called GRIEF or WORK OF GRIEF. It is given great importance when working with a person who has suffered a serious loss.

From the moment when Human learned about death of a loved one, and until the moment when he finally accepted his loss and is ready to live without the departed person, the greatest help is the support of friends, relatives, and others. People's help is not words of consolation; they will only do harm here. Help from people is, first of all, the ability and desire to listen and talk about the deceased. The task, so to speak, of a person who is experiencing loss of a loved one, do not hold back all your emotions and feelings, and also talk a lot about the deceased, remembering him and all the bright moments of your life with him. This is work GRIEF, it helps to get through difficult times loss. Crying, sobbing, better with the whole body, laughter, screaming help to throw out emotions. Throwing them out is a necessity. The main ways to release emotions and feelings: physical activity (walking, running), using the voice (sobs, screaming), art therapy. The home version of art therapy is as follows: place a sheet of Whatman paper on the table, prepare paints (watercolor, gouache), a glass of water and two squirrel brushes (sizes 2 and 6). Focus briefly on your emotions and feelings (1-5 min.), take a brush that you like, choose a paint that matches these feelings and paint, giving in to the unconscious flow of emotions. Try to express your emotions and feelings on paper with paints. Name your painting. If you don't feel better, move on to the next one. You will achieve very good results if you sob, shed tears or scream. But the option of falling into torpor is also possible. In this case, draw whatever you want, choosing colors to suit your current state. Next, analyze your drawing. Why did you draw this? This way you will get closer to your feelings and stir them up.

Despair, anger, rage, guilt, horror, fear, resentment, sadness - these emotions and feelings are natural in such a situation. If they are not thrown out, they will lead to somatic illnesses, insanity or of death.

Be sure to follow all funeral rituals. Rituals help a lot grief and then find yourself.

In the first hours, days and months after loss It is not advisable to be alone. If you feel that there is no person nearby whom you can trust, or if you are too emotionally overwhelmed from within, write a farewell letter to the deceased. In it you can talk about what is happening to you now, how you suffer, how you live through it grief, You can ask for forgiveness if you feel guilty towards the deceased. Then you can burn this letter and scatter it in a place where you both once felt good. To ease your mental state, you can keep a diary. It is very important to keep this diary. Perhaps someday you will be able to pass it on to a person who finds himself in a similar situation, and your experience will greatly help him. ©The author of the article you are now reading, Nadezhda Khramchenko/

FAIRNESS AND TIMELINESS

There are two important factors that play a role in accepting a fact death of a loved one: fairness and timeliness in relation to death.
The existential tragedy of man is that he realizes that he will die someday, and all of him will die. close. Death It is natural for old people; it is natural for children to bury their elderly parents, especially if they have been seriously ill for a long time. Such death It is much easier to experience than the passing of a young person, in the prime of life, or a child. Where is the justice here? All laws of life are violated and of death. What if the whole family suddenly dies by accident? Accept such an unfair and untimely death extremely difficult. close deceased or deceased, it is very difficult to come to terms with sudden, unfair human death who did nothing wrong and had his whole life ahead of him.
Often only through long-term work with psychologist oh to the person who suffered a similar loss, it is possible to survive grief and be reborn to life.

REVIVAL

When the soul has suffered of death, mourning is over, the time has come to revive your life. Death is an inevitable part of life, without of death life would be impossible. Having gone through despair, emptiness, rage, apathy, depression, experiencing loss, a person is faced with the need to find a new meaning in his life, learn to experience joy and pleasure. The deceased appears in memory as a bright image, memories of him are sad, sometimes with humor, but without the former excruciating pain and despair. It's time to get a taste of your own life. You know well what it is death. You understand that sooner or later you will die. You need to realize the value of life, and feel its fullness right now, without putting it off for the future.
1. Go out of town, into nature alone. Plunge into the beauty of the forest, lake, river, field. Contemplate, taste the smells, feel the roughness of the tree bark not as an outside observer, but as a part of nature. Observe spiders, ants, birds, animals not from the position of a person as the “Measure of all things”, but from the position of the same death just like all other animals, the same child of nature.
2. Get actively involved in life. Take up an activity that you have long dreamed of doing, but have been putting off: dancing, playing a musical instrument, botany, floristry, caring for animals and riding horses, sports, pottery, embroidery, traveling, etc. This can become your hobby.
3. Don’t refuse your friends when they try to get you out somewhere. Communication and new relationships are necessary and therapeutic for you now. If you feel guilty towards the deceased, write him a letter of repentance and make amends with good deeds to others. Until you forgive yourself– You will no longer be able to live fully.
4. Help others, try to do good deeds in small ways (say hello in stores, smile often, give up your seats to those in need of transport, help a visually impaired person navigate when choosing products in a store, etc.). Thinking about others, listening to those in need, lending a helping hand, you forget about yourself. By becoming a volunteer, you can constantly feel that you are needed by people, that you are not living in vain, wasting your life like a drone. Think how many people need your help now!
5. Think in advance about how you will spend anniversaries and memorable dates. Don't be alone these days. Ask someone to be with you on such days, to go together to memorable places and talk, talk, talk about your feelings, life, about this deceased person.
6. Every day, discover something new in the ordinary, throw yourself into your work. There is nothing better to restore mental strength when grief tion than creativity and all-consuming work. Hippotherapy will help you take your mind off the pain and find something attractive in this world.
7.Plan for the present and future. Dream. This is very difficult, because now your dreams will not be associated with a person dear to you, but deceased. But the task for your will is to discover new facets of life, something from which you can derive pleasure and joy.
8. Rest, get enough sleep, make sure there are no large stress and psycho-emotional stress. Take care of your health. Your revival also depends on the state of your nervous system and physical health. Try to look good and take care of your physical fitness.
9.Remember that works of art largely serve to experience emotional turmoil. It is better if you spend your free evening or weekend not in a bar, but at an art exhibition, in a theater or in a conservatory. Movies provide a wonderful way to respond to emotions. Watch a film where the hero, although suffering, still gets out of a difficult life situation. Also, Soviet comedies help to find mental stability and balance. Don't forget to listen to music and songs that evoke positive emotions in you.

HOW TO HELP A CHILD SURVIVE THE LOSS OF A CLOSE PERSON

When a child dies close person, relatives often face a dilemma: whether or not to tell a child that his father or mother, grandmother or grandfather have died. Maybe it would be better to compose a story about the sudden disappearance without a trace of a person significant to a child in order to protect him from worries? Answer psychologist ov’s answer to this question is clear: “It is necessary to inform the child that close died, and don’t deceive.” Each child has his own ideas about of death, sometimes they are extremely primitive, because the topic of death often taboo, adults talk very little about it with children. If your child has questions about what it is death how he died close, what will happen to him later, etc., it is necessary to answer each of them, but the information must be conveyed selectively, calmly, based on the age perception of the child. This information should be such as not to frighten the child. For example, tell us that something bad happened, dad died, he was hit by a car, his soul flew off and met with God, dad’s soul will watch over us and become your Guardian Angel, we will say goodbye to his body, there is no longer a soul in it, thanks to which a person lives. After the funeral, his body will dissolve into the ground and become part of the earth. We will never forget about him and will always look after his grave, light candles in the temple and pray for his peace, so that God does not forget about his soul.

It is better to take your child with you to the funeral if he is over 5 years old.

It’s not scary if a child sees people’s grief and grief is an appropriate response to death person. For the development of a child, it is important that he is faced with adequate reactions. It is better if the child has the opportunity to attend not all funerals (funeral service, farewell, burial, wake), but partially at each of these stages with the opportunity to rest (it is better not to attend the wake). An adult should be with the child at all times and support him, answering all questions that arise (selectively providing information). Give him the opportunity to cry, not soothing him, but accepting his grief.

Don't be shy about your feelings grief whining, tears and sobs in front of the child. It's much worse when people try to hide information about of death, mask their feelings and are hypocrites. Thus, they not only do not save the child from worries, but also give rise to numerous fears and anxieties in him. You can’t deceive children, the child will still feel that something is wrong, that adults are deceiving him and hiding the truth, and then he will stop trusting people. Surely someone will tell him sooner or later what really happened. And then it will be a real, hard-to-survive blow. ©The author of the article you are now reading, Nadezhda Khramchenko/

Children do not have such a difficult perception of death like adults, life is endless for them. Death of a loved one It is much easier for them to accept the correct behavior of adults than to feel that close person suddenly, for no reason, disappeared and left him. The conclusions that the child will draw for himself are as follows: that means everyone close person can suddenly just disappear and disappear, the world is unsafe, people cannot be trusted. Fears and anxieties, often unfounded, will remain in his life for many years.

Write a farewell letter to the deceased together with your child, let the child draw a picture for him. Attach the drawing to the letter. Tell your child that every time he feels sad, he can draw a picture for the deceased. A selection of drawings and a toy can then be taken to the grave together.

In a situation of death Children often become taciturn and withdraw into themselves. Invite your child to draw and engage him in conversation. Be there, support, talk.

Death of a Man takes with him part of his personality close. Grief and the pain is so strong that it is impossible to cope with it. Feelings that the suffering will be endless. However, to live grief, without hiding from it, without numbing the pain, without rushing things, it is necessary. Then there will be a chance to revive your own personality and perception of your dear, beloved, close, no deceased person like a bright image in your memory.

How to cope with the bereavement of a loved one? And are there ways to forget about the grief that happened and return to normal life? Many people ask this question because they want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But you can’t do this without valuable recommendations from experienced psychologists.

It is unlikely that there will be a person on this planet who wants grief, troubles, and problems to be present in his life. But, alas, fate does not bypass anyone and it has everything - joy, sadness, fun, and grief.

A person who has not experienced a single dark day in his life is a real lucky person. Of course, there are types for whom troubles, problems and loss of loved ones are an empty phrase. But, fortunately, there are only an insignificant number of them among us. Most likely, they have, because otherwise their position is simply impossible to explain. Even the most terrible tyrants on the planet were afraid that something might happen to their loved ones. And if this happened, they suffered just like all ordinary people.

When experiencing a terrible moment, everyone behaves differently. Some suffer greatly and are ready to take their own lives. The other one endures the vicissitudes of fate and tries to survive no matter what. The first ones urgently need psychological help. It’s not in vain that after plane crashes, ship crashes, major car accidents and other tragedies, experienced psychotherapists and psychologists come to the loved ones of the missing and the dead.

Simply, without them, a person does not know what to do with his grief. He is detached, only one thing sounds in his head: “How to live further?”, “This is the end of everything!” and other dramatic phrases. Experts in human psychology may not always be around. Therefore, we invite our readers to study how a person experiences suffering and how he can be helped.

Symptoms of human grief

When someone leaves us and goes to another world, we grieve and mourn the loss. There is a feeling that there is no point in living further, or without the presence of someone dear to us, something important and irreplaceable has gone. Some people suffer for a few days, others for weeks, others for months.

But there is a loss that one grieves for the rest of one’s life. And the well-known saying “Time heals!” not always appropriate. How can the wound from the loss of a child, a loved one, a brother, a sister heal? This is impossible! It seems to be tightening a little on top, but inside it continues to bleed.

But grief also has its own characteristics. It all depends on the type of character of a person, his psyche, the quality of relationships with those who left this world. After all, we have repeatedly noticed a strange phenomenon. A woman’s child dies, and she runs around the markets, buys food to arrange a funeral, goes to the cemetery, selects a place, etc. It feels like this moment is the same as others - when I had to organize an event. The only difference is that she is wearing a black scarf and is sad.

But you shouldn’t immediately accuse such women of being “thick-skinned.” Psychologists have a term “delayed, delayed grief.” That is, it does not overtake some people right away. To understand how human grief manifests itself, let’s study its symptoms:

A sharp change in mental state - a person is absorbed in the image of the deceased. He moves away from others, feels unreal, and the speed of his emotional reaction increases. In short, this is an alienated, poorly thinking person who constantly thinks about the departed person.
Physical problems. There is exhaustion of strength, it is difficult to get up, walk, breathe, the sufferer constantly sighs, he has no appetite.
Feeling guilty. When a loved one leaves, the person suffering behind him constantly thinks about how he could have saved him, did not do everything he could, was inattentive to him, was rude, etc. He constantly analyzes his actions and seeks confirmation that there was an opportunity to bypass death.
Hostility. When a loved one is lost, a person may become angry. He does not tolerate company, does not want to see anyone, and answers questions rudely and impudently. He can even attack children who pester him with questions. Of course, this is wrong, but you shouldn’t judge him either. Therefore, it is important that at such moments relatives are nearby and help cope with household chores and children.
The usual way of behavior changes. If previously a person was calm and collected, then at a time of difficulty he may begin to fuss, do everything incorrectly, disorganized, talk a lot or, conversely, constantly remain silent.
Adopted manner. After the death of a long-sick person, his relatives, especially those who were at the bedside of the deceased, adopt his character traits, habits, movements, even symptoms.
When you lose someone dear to your heart, everything changes. The colors of life, nature, and the world turn from bright and colorful to gray and black tones. The psychological atmosphere, the space in which there is no deceased, becomes small and insignificant. I don’t want to hear or see anyone. After all, no one around him understands what really happened for the sufferer. Everyone is trying to calm down, distract, and give advice. There is simply not enough strength to fight everything.
Also, at the moment of suffering, psychological time space shrinks. It is impossible to think about what will happen in the future. In normal times, we draw pictures in our thoughts that we expect from the future. And in such difficult moments, they simply do not arise, and if thoughts about the past come, then the one who was lost always appears in them. As for the present time, the sufferer does not even think about it - it simply makes no sense. Rather, it’s a dark moment that you don’t even want to remember. The only thing a person desires in moments of grief is “I wish I could wake up sooner from this nightmare. I feel like I’m having a terrible dream.”

In cases where the loss of a spouse occurs, the man left alone goes into his own world and does not have the slightest desire to communicate with neighbors, acquaintances, or friends. In his heart, he believes that no one is able to understand the power of loss. Men are taught from childhood that they should be restrained and not show their emotions. Therefore, he rushes about and cannot find a place for himself. Most often, in such situations, the stronger sex plunges headlong into work, and so that there is no “trace” left of free time.

Women who have lost their husbands grieve and suffer. They literally have a wet pillow, because the one they loved, with whom they shared both joy and sadness, is no longer nearby. She is left without support - how to continue to live, who will be my support. And if this is also a family with children, then the woman begins to truly panic - “the breadwinner has left, how can I raise the children now? What to feed them? What should I wear?” Etc.

Stages of Grief

When loss occurs, we experience shock. Even if the deceased had been ill for a long time, or was very old, we still in our hearts do not agree with his passing. And this is explained very simply.

None of us still understands the nature of death. After all, each of us asked the question “Why are we born if we die anyway? And why is death present if a person could continue to enjoy life? What frightens us even more is the fear of death - no one has ever returned from there and told us what death is, what a person feels at the moment of leaving for another world, what awaits him there.

So, initially we experience shock, then, realizing that the person has died, we still cannot come to terms with it. But this does not mean that we are unable to do anything. We have already talked about how some people quite calmly organize funerals and wakes. And from the outside it seems that the person is very persistent and has a strong will. In fact, he is in a state of stupor. His head is confused and he doesn’t know what’s happening around him or how to accept what happened.

In psychology there is a term “depersonalization”. Some, in moments of loss, seem to abandon themselves and look at what is happening as if from the outside. A person does not feel his personality, and everything that happens around him does not concern him, and in general, all this is unreal.
When grief sets in, some people immediately cry and sob. This can last up to a week, but then they realize what really happened. This is where panic attacks come into play, which are difficult to cope with – you need a psychologist and help from your family.

As a rule, an acute feeling of loss and grief lasts from about five weeks to three months and for some, as we already know, grief becomes a companion for their lives. As for the majority who experience grief for several months, they experience the following phenomena:

Melancholy, strong cravings and constant thoughts about the deceased, all this is accompanied by tears. Almost everyone who mourns a loss has dreams in which the deceased person always appears. While awake, visual fragments often appear in thoughts in which the deceased says, does, laughs, jokes something. Initially, the sufferer cries constantly, but over time, the suffering gradually goes away and calms down.

Belief in the non-existent. A frequent companion to moments of grief are illusions created by the sufferer himself. A window that suddenly opens, noise, a photo frame that falls due to a draft, and other phenomena are perceived as signs and they often say that the deceased is walking and does not want to “leave.”

The whole reason is that most do not want to “let go” of the deceased and hope to maintain contact with him. The belief that the dead person is still nearby is so strong that auditory and visual hallucinations occur. It seems that the deceased said something, went into another room, and even turned on the stove. Often people start talking to the object of their suffering imagination, ask something and it seems to them that the dead person is answering them.

Depression. Almost half of those who have lost a loved one, dear to their hearts and souls, experience a common symptomatic triad: depressed mood, disturbed sleep and tearfulness. They can sometimes be accompanied by symptoms such as sudden and severe weight loss, fatigue, feelings of anxiety, fear, indecision, meaninglessness of life, complete loss of interests, and a strong sense of guilt.

That is, all these are signs of a banal situation, from which it will be quite difficult to get out of it yourself. The fact is that a depressive state can occur due to insufficient production of hormones of joy and pleasure. Bereavement can provoke this condition, followed by depression, which can be treated with special methods and medications.

Often, when a very dear and beloved person passes away, someone close to you may experience strong feelings of anxiety. Loss of meaning in life and fear of living without the only thing. A powerful feeling of one’s own guilt, a desire to be closer to one’s beloved (lover) and other moments can lead to thoughts of suicide. Most often, the symptoms are indicative of widows. They suffer for a long time and for six months, their anxieties, fears, and feelings of grief can increase threefold.

There is a type of person who becomes very energetic after a bereavement. They are constantly “on their feet,” cooking, cleaning, driving, and doing various jobs. That is, you can say about them “can’t sit still.” Some women, after their husband leaves, can visit his grave every day and call him back. They look at the pictures, think and remember the old days.

This can last from several months to years. There is always one or more graves in the cemetery with fresh flowers every day. This suggests that a person continues to mourn the deceased even after years.

It should also not be surprising that after the death of a loved one, the sufferer becomes angry. This happens especially often with parents who have lost their child. They blame the doctors for everything, are angry with God and claim that their child could have been saved. In this case, it is necessary to gain patience and wisdom, and by about six months after the loss, people calm down and pull themselves together.

Reaction to loss - atypical symptoms

Strange, inappropriate types of reactions occur more often during loss in women. Men are more persistent and reserved. No, this doesn’t mean that they don’t worry, they just keep everything “to themselves.” An atypical reaction occurs immediately:

numbness lasts approximately 15-20 days, and the general stage of suffering can last more than a year with a severe course;
pronounced alienation, the person cannot work and constantly thinks about suicide. There is no way to accept the loss and come to terms with it;
A person “sits” a powerful feeling of guilt and incredible hostility towards everyone around him. Hypochondria, similar to that of the deceased, may develop. With an atypical reaction, the risk of suicide within a year after the loss can increase by two and a half times. You should especially be close to the sufferer on the anniversary of your death. There is also a high risk of death from somatic diseases within six months after a person’s death.

Atypical symptoms of grief also include a delayed reaction to a sad event. Complete denial that a person has died, an imaginary absence of suffering and experiences.

An atypical reaction does not arise just like that and it is caused by the characteristics of the human psyche and circumstances such as:

The death of a loved one came suddenly, because it was not expected.
The sufferer did not have the opportunity to say goodbye to the deceased in order to fully express his grief.
The relationship with the person who had passed on to another world was difficult, hostile, and acute.
Death touched the child.
The suffering person has already suffered a severe loss, and most likely the sad event happened in childhood.
There is no support when there are no loved ones nearby, relatives who can lend a shoulder, distract a little and even physically help with organizing a funeral, etc.

How to survive grief

You need to decide right away whether you or your loved one have experienced grief, and if misfortune has affected you, then assess your condition. Yes, the death of a dear person is the worst thing that can happen in this life, but you still have to live on, no matter how banal it may sound. "For what? What is the point?". This question is asked by those who have lost their own child, loved one, or loved one. The following point will most likely help here.

We all believe in God. And even those who consider themselves an atheist still hope in their hearts that there are higher powers thanks to which life on the planet began. So, according to the Bible (and it doesn’t teach anything bad, it has a lot of useful information), people go to heaven or hell. But even if he has many mortal sins, after death, he goes through the stages of purification and still ends up in heaven.

That is, everything suggests that death is not the end, but rather the beginning. Therefore, it is important to pull yourself together and live. Attend church, because the Lord does not wish harm on anyone. Pray, ask for help, ask for it sincerely - and you will be shocked by what begins to happen in your soul.

Don't be alone. This way you will suffer much less. Chat with friends. It will be difficult at first, but over time everything will return to normal. Communication with those who have also experienced loss is especially effective. You will be given useful advice on what to do, how to behave, where to go, what to visit, read, watch, so that the pain goes away little by little. You will understand that all the moments that arose in you after the loss - a strong feeling of guilt, the desire to part with life, hatred of others are also inherent in other people, you are no exception.

Traditional Treatments

And now to practical advice. If a person has a serious form of an atypical reaction, it is necessary to consult a specialist. This will require both cognitive behavioral therapy and medications - sedatives, antidepressants, etc. Thanks to the psychotherapist's sessions, the patient goes through the stages of his grief from beginning to end (no matter how difficult it may be). And, in the end, he realizes what happened and comes to terms with it.

Many of us do not want to get rid of the state of grief. Some believe that this is how they remain faithful to the departed, and if they start living, they will betray them. This is wrong! On the contrary, remember how the one who passed on to another world treated you. Would he really be pleased to watch your long suffering? One hundred percent, he (she) would want you to enjoy life and have fun. They simply did not forget about the dead and honored their memory, and if you have mental problems after the death of a loved one, then consult a doctor and be cured of the pain.

In our suffering, we most of all show our selfishness. Let's think - maybe there is a person next to us who suffers no less than you, and maybe more. Look around, be close to those with whom you must share grief. This way there will be more of you and it will become much easier to resist problems, attacks of pain, anger, sadness, malice.

For those who have witnessed a person’s grief, they also need to take certain steps, and not look at the suffering with indifference.

Help physically, because funerals and suffering take a lot of energy. Therefore, it is important to help a person put his house in order. Buy groceries, walk animals, chat with children, etc.
There is no need to let the sufferer be alone, except in exceptional moments. Do everything with him - let him be distracted.
Try to take him outside, communicate, but don’t be too intrusive. The main thing for you to know is that everything is fine with him physically, but there is no need to talk about moral things yet.
There is no need to force a person to hold back; if tears flow, let him cry.
If the sufferer becomes numb, give a light slap in the face. He needs to throw out the pain that is quietly, silently destroying him from the inside. If this is not done, a powerful nervous breakdown is possible. There have been cases when in such a state a person simply went crazy.
Change the course of his mood; if he constantly cries, shout at him, blame him for something. Remember some nonsense that made you hold a grudge against him. If there are no such memories, invent them. And most importantly, throw a hysteria, a scandal and partially switch the thoughts of the sufferer to your problems. Then calm down and apologize.
Talk to him about who died. A person needs to speak out; it will be easier for him if someone listens to his memories of the deceased.
Conversations on any topic should be interesting to you. So, day after day, first short, then longer moments will arise, during which the sufferer will begin to forget about the pain. In time, life will take its toll and grief will be endured.
When communicating, do not interrupt your friend; what is important now is his mental state, not your difficulties and problems.
Don’t even think about being offended if your sad interlocutor suddenly gets angry or doesn’t want to communicate with you anymore. Here the fault is no longer in him, but in his wounded psyche. He (she) will have many more moments with sudden mood swings, sadness, melancholy and reluctance to see anyone. Be patient and wait a little, then, after a couple of days, as if nothing had happened, visit your friend again on an imaginary occasion.

The loss of a person is the worst thing that can happen in our lives, and no matter how indignant we are about this, no one can change the course of fate. But we can do something else - remain human even in moments of extreme grief. Save your face, continue to adhere to moral principles and ethics. After all, no one around you is to blame for the tragic event that happened to you.