Depreciation and how to react to it. Depreciation
Hello, dear readers of my blog! Our psyche is structured in such an interesting way that it often helps us cope with many troubles. If each of us knew how our body protects us, then perhaps we would be happier.
For example, devaluation in psychology is a defense mechanism that helps us more easily experience moments associated with the fact that we cannot get what we want. It is devaluation that will be discussed today in this article.
I assure you, you will learn a lot of new things about yourself and the people around you. Let's get started.
What can be devalued
In fact, virtually everything can depreciate - people, goals, emotions. The main purpose of devaluation is self-help. We do not admit to ourselves our own, and therefore we find a reason to reduce the importance of a once significant phenomenon.
When we become disappointed in something and understand that things won’t happen our way, we lose all interest and think that this is not what we wanted.
For example, as a child we may admire our parents. Unfortunately, over time, the teenager realizes that not every adult is ideal. Suppose he gets little attention. He tries his best to win time, but nothing works. As a result, the child stops making efforts and finds interesting people among his peers. The authority of adults is devalued.
It is likely that the problem is really very serious and so that the interlocutor does not get swallowed up, he instantly devalues your problem to zero. He is afraid to delve into your state, to feel the same. You shouldn’t be offended, much less insist on showing sympathy. It is quite possible that your problem will cause significant damage to this person.
We have figured out what depreciation is. But this positive phenomenon also has a downside.
Manipulation
Sometimes, devaluation does not come from within. A certain person uses techniques to make you... For example, you are a wonderful housewife, but instead of gratitude, your husband insists that this is a normal phenomenon. Your efforts are insignificant. At work, so as not to, they can also apply various methods to you so that you feel your own inadequacy.
It will play on feelings such as shame and fear. Your achievements will be compared with other, often exaggerated options. Let's return to the example with the same wife and wonderful housewife.
The husband, since he himself does not meet the criteria of an ideal spouse, devalued his wife’s behavior in his own head. Don't be so quick to blame him. We have already said that this is just a defense mechanism. As a result of this, he has become a manipulator and is trying to impose his opinion on his wife.
Most likely, he will recall all sorts of mythical characters (“And the other half of Ivan Petrovich also works”) and collective images (“In Rus', a woman also managed to take care of five children”).
In fact, one can only feel sorry for such a husband. He is the woman who is next to him. He cannot realize his own happiness, he sets himself and others up for negativity. There is no value, everything is wrong and wrong.
A highly qualified psychologist can best help cope with this misfortune, since the formation of this phenomenon affects the protective mechanisms of the psyche itself. If you try to “remove” the protection on your own and thoughtlessly select ways to deal with it, then it is unknown what consequences this will lead to.
If you are interested in the principles of how our psyche works, I can recommend a very interesting book "Psychology. People, Concepts, Experiments" by Paul Kleinman. It contains information about the most significant figures and research in the world of psychology. It’s impossible to tear yourself away – the “small world” phenomenon, the bystander effect, the Stanford prison experiment and much more.
Well, also, don’t forget to subscribe to the newsletter. New articles appear regularly on my blog. Until next time.
Photo: Wavebreak Media Ltd/Rusmediabank.ru
One of the most important human needs is recognition. Us, our personality, our efforts and merits of other people. If this need is not satisfied, a person feels unnecessary, useless, not wanted by society, rejected and lonely. Let's talk about how and why this happens, and try to figure out whether depreciation can be avoided.How are we devalued?
This sometimes happens very clearly and noticeably whenus ;
do not pay attention to our efforts;
take what we have done for granted;
when we are used and pushed around;
when criticized, they are placed at a low level in the ranking of likes and preferences, etc.
Depreciation hurts our self-esteem, developing in us complexes and distrust of people and the world.
Sometimes devaluation prompts us to act out of spite, to prove that we are worth something and break out of the networks of indifference, so that they will pay attention to us and finally appreciate us.
Some people, imagine, this is precisely why they organize small and large revolutions: they make scandals, cry, shout, pout, throw demonstrative hysterics and debriefings - all these are signals that they send to others. These signals have the same decoding: I miss your attention, your sympathy, your recognition.
Very often we are devalued by those closest to us, from whom we do not expect a knife in the back; on the contrary, we place the brightest hopes. They sometimes do this unconsciously and not on purpose. For example, forgetting our date of birth or not thanking us for a delicious lunch.
In everyday life, we are almost constantly faced with depreciation when
our words are questioned;
compare our suffering with that of others and conclude that others have it even worse;
they don’t believe in our endeavors;
do not pay attention to our state, mood, actions, words, etc.;
transfer to themselves (“but I haven’t had this before”);
give (for example, “don’t start this futile business”).
Yes, we sometimes devalue ourselves without noticing it, for example, when we are thanked or praised, but we are modest and respond to “thank you” with “nothing,” and to a compliment we react like savages, as if it does not concern us.
Why are we devalued?
Strange creatures - people, they themselves want recognition, they know that others also crave it, but they regret uttering an approving word and never want to look less advantageous or advantageous in comparison with their own kind. Most often, another person is devalued by someone who does not have enough recognition himself.Critics become those who themselves have not been able to achieve success, who do not know how to do something, who have been criticized, who do not succeed. Sometimes someone who has achieved at least something is assessed so destructively that he turns into a cake smashed against the wall. Ruthless, caustic, apt... If only these fighters for truth themselves created the way they criticize.
Anyone who is subjected to such total devaluation should take this into account and treat these vicious attacks with a certain amount of skepticism. “They accepted praise and slander with indifference...” - remember from Pushkin.
We are devalued because
envy;
they themselves don’t know how to do anything;
lack recognition.
How to deal with depreciation?
Firstly, you need to accept this within yourself. Accept and understand your feelings that you experience in the absence of positive evaluation from other people. And take it calmly. Lack of recognition is not the end of the world, it is just a reflection of human nature, which manifests itself in the fact that each of us has our own shirt closer to our body than someone else’s. We are not better than other people, we are the same. And we also envy, and we are also afraid of not being noticed, and we also do not notice others.Secondly, you need to think about your own motivation. If we say or do something only to receive recognition, appreciation and praise, then should we blame the world for ingratitude? After all, our actions are initially dictated by our ego. When we act unselfishly, from higher motives: “I like to do this, it brings me pleasure regardless of how it is appreciated, I want to self-actualize this way, regardless of people’s reactions. I want to say or do something useful and necessary from my point of view, and if it does not find approval and recognition, I will survive it. Someday, someone might appreciate it, but I shouldn't be deterred by the lack of immediate praise and approval."
Third, you need to learn to value your efforts, your time, your energy that you spend on other people. If they are chronically ungrateful, they take you for granted: the servant, Mother Teresa, the eternal volunteer, etc. And besides, they constantly make more and more new claims, criticize and spit on your efforts, stop feeding the troll. Just stop doing good where it doesn't bring you satisfaction. Learn to say “no” and appreciate your work.
Fourthly, try to become for others the person who can satisfy their need for recognition. Do not skimp on kind words, gratitude, praise. Sometimes one kind word of ours can bring a person back to life, and our silence and indifference can lower him into the pit of pessimism and apathy. To some extent, each of us is a great wizard who can create a miracle. And just the awareness of this power can raise your self-esteem to great heights. We ourselves have the power to elevate ourselves and feel gratitude to ourselves for the good deeds and words that we address to other people. It’s a paradox, if you want to be appreciated, try to sincerely express recognition of the merits of other people.
Of course, someone might say that this behavior is very similar to praising the cuckoo and the rooster, when one praises the other for praising him. There is a difference. This is not why you will do this. Flattery and sincere praise are completely different things. Feel the line between them, and you will not turn into a sycophant, ready to shower yourself with false praise, just so that they don’t forget to mark him with laudatory odes.
We should probably remember that all people crave recognition, and not devalue them with our thoughtless or jealous words. Then they too will hold their tongue so that we continue to believe in ourselves and move forward.
“If I were a man, I would have nailed down the shelf long ago”
“Is this your salary or a handout from the boss?”
“Do you really think this suits you?”
“When you earn as much as me, then we’ll talk”
“New curtains? Are they made from an old sheet?”
“Svetka’s boobs are just so big, but what about you?”
“What do you mean, change jobs? I can't do anything. Who needs me?
You will probably throw in here a hundred more devaluing remarks that have ever been heard in your life.
From time to time we sin with all this - we belittle or ignore someone else's (or even our own) merits, we exaggerate shortcomings, we “lower” someone somewhere, we belittle someone.
And there are people for whom devaluation is practically the only model of communication. This is a way of thinking and a way of living. Moreover, they don’t notice it, don’t realize it, and don’t even imagine that it could be done differently.
Devaluation is a defense mechanism against negative experiences. Shell, in a word. It is thick, heavy, not very comfortable, but reliable. Armor.
Why is she?
Devaluing people, as a rule, do not understand the language of love, they only understand the language of strength and respect.
First of all, you need to respect yourself. For what? You can respect yourself either by developing in every possible way and achieving impressive success (the constructive path), or by “lowering”, humiliating, devaluing others (and against the backdrop of these “nonentities” you will feel strong, competent, right, and in power). What's easier? Of course, the second one.
Devaluation is (no matter how strange it may sound) a way to maintain your own low self-esteem. In this case, people devalue not others, but themselves - their knowledge, skills, goals, achievements.
Naturally, not just like that, for something: so as not to be disappointed in yourself once again in case of failure (well, I’m incapable, what can you take from me? What achievements can losers have?).
Or react less painfully to criticism from others, and maybe even avoid it altogether - when you yourself warn everyone about your inadequacy, they don’t expect anything from you.
Devaluation is a defense against feelings. “All women are fools, all men are goats.”
They usually devalue those who are greatly needed and who are strongly distrusted. They devalue so as not to get closer, not to become attached and not to open up. And so that later, when they hit you (and they will certainly hit you - all past experience speaks of this), it doesn’t hurt.
Devaluation is the inevitable flip side of idealization. As psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams said, “We are all prone to idealization. We carry with us remnants of the need to attribute special virtues and power to people on whom we are emotionally dependent.”
Like in childhood, when we considered our parents to be celestial beings, capable of any miracles.
In general, the less mature and independent a person is, the more prone he is to idealization. And since nothing is perfect in our world, searching or expecting something completely suitable, satisfying, perfect always ends in disappointment.
“The more an object is idealized, the more radical devaluation awaits it; The more illusions there are, the more difficult the experience of their collapse.”
I already wrote once: there are certain types of people (severely traumatized, not fully grown, deprived of love and acceptance since childhood), in whose lives the idealization-devaluation pair goes on in close conjunction in a stable, non-stop way. A kind of roller coaster - up and down.
Being carried away by someone, such people give the object of adoration the status of exclusivity.
At the stage of courtship, he (if he is a man) will blow dust off you, carry you in his arms, bathe and cradle you in his care, tell everyone how wonderful and the best you are.
But as soon as the trembling of adoration subsides, as soon as he sees in you a real (and in some ways very ordinary) person, you will suddenly discover with surprise that a cruel and total devaluation has begun - they will point out your shortcomings, make claims, insult and intensely transform from princess to Cinderella.
Therefore: do not buy into caring, do not get involved in a relationship before you know the person well.
Look beyond how the person treats you now.
Watch how he treats other people (parents, friends, his exes, colleagues). What he says about them, how he communicates with them.
And it turns out that he adored, adored, and as soon as they began to live together (got married, had a child), he suddenly turned into a brute. He hasn't changed, he's always been her.
Where does depreciation come from?
Naturally, from childhood.
Parents are also people with their own wounds and traumas. Someone once told them that a child should always be pointed at his shortcomings, told that he can do better and cooler, and then he will move his flippers, try, and he will turn out to be a Human. They themselves were raised that way.
Very often, parents themselves base their communication and interaction on devaluation. And the child takes this model, as his own and the only one in which he knows how to exist, with him into adulthood.
Parents are people too. With low self-esteem, self-doubt and the feeling that everything in their life is somehow not very healthy.
They can be consumed by an unconscious but burning reluctance for someone to be better (more beautiful, smarter, better built) than themselves.
Even (and even more so) if this someone is the one to whom they gave life.
Plus, if at the expense of other adults it is not possible to qualitatively improve oneself in one’s own eyes, a child will help to drain the negativity and feel more significant. He is defenseless and always at hand.
The need for confirmation of one’s own importance, the desire to be an indisputable authority, “the master of the house,” “the navel of the earth” - what does it tell us? About the experience of humiliation in childhood. What can you fix here? Nothing anymore.
What do we get?
“All children are like children, and you!..”
Look, mom, what a castle I built!
What kind of curve is that? It will fall apart!
“Again, I spent the whole day collecting my models. I’d rather do my homework!”
“Dumb!” Idiot! Nothing good will come of you!”
And then a “child” who is embittered at the whole world grows up instead of an adult who is confident in himself and knows what he wants.
His friends become traitors, his girlfriends become brainless hens, his work colleagues become worthless idiots and slackers, his boss becomes an idiot.
And only then does a person realize that people around him are happy, and only he is a fool, only he has no brains, only he is unsuccessful, only he is lonely and completely unhappy.
How to deal with devaluing people?
Devaluation is a form of psychological abuse. Therefore, if possible, do not get involved, run, cross them out of your life.
If this is a close person and cannot be crossed out, then you can talk about your feelings, reactions to his words and actions - that it is unpleasant, offensive, painful for you.
Ask not to do this again, say what kind of attitude you expect and will demand.
If this doesn’t work, but you want to continue the relationship with this person (think, why do you need this?), clearly catch the moment of depreciation, recognize it and in no case “get carried away”, do not take it personally, but look deeper - what is behind it.
And what stands, as a rule, is an unconscious, panicky fear (of intimacy, absorption, rejection, pain) hidden in a thick stone shell and a neurotic (i.e. insatiable) need for love. Published by econet.ru. If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to the experts and readers of our project here.
Tags: Self-doubt , Rejection ,
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Devaluation is a defense mechanism that works on the principle of belittling the significance of the feelings, values and successes of other people or one's own. Devaluation received in contact with a loved one is a very unpleasant thing that can ruin a relationship. It is especially sad that it is sometimes hidden under the guise of care, good advice or an “objective assessment” of our results and achievements. We analyze the most common options for depreciation and ways to react constructively to them.
Downplaying Results
“Your story is not a masterpiece, of course, but it’s very good”, “For Moscow this is not a very big salary, but not bad, yes, not bad” - and similar statements in the spirit of “your achievements, of course, are not brilliant, but they will do.”
For some reason, the interlocutor is uncomfortable hearing about your successes, and he wants to reduce their importance. We all sometimes experience envy, and at some point this can cause us to behave incorrectly. Someone is sensitive to the topic of success in their personal life, someone is worried about their own financial insolvency, and therefore she or he may react nervously to a message about a salary increase or a trip to an expensive resort.
It is important how often your successes in contact with this or that person are devalued. Perhaps it’s not scary if a loved one or acquaintance once made a tactlessness, this happens. But if this begins to happen systematically, this is an alarm bell: there is too much competition and aggression in the relationship, which means there is less trust and warmth.
The game of “lower your success” is loved by parents - usually those who are in unconscious competition with their child, or those who still believe that raising the bar is a good motivation for a breakthrough. Both twenty- and forty-year-olds continue to “educate” in this way.
How to fight:
“For me this is a success and I am proud of it.” You explain to your interlocutor that no matter what the average salary in the market or the literary value of your story, you are proud of your achievements and will not allow their significance to be belittled. After all, there is no “objective” success for everyone. Unfortunately, this phrase will not work for everyone. But the absence of changes should serve as a signal: alas, you should not seek support and approval from this person.
“And many have it even worse!”
This is just classic devaluation: in response to your complaints, you are asked to think about those who are doing even worse. “And in Africa, children are starving,” “Think about those who are worse off now,” “So what if you couldn’t give birth yourself and had a caesarean section - some people can’t get pregnant for years at all.” The interlocutor often launches into lengthy discussions about the need to be grateful for what we have, because many would dream of something like this: such a house, such a husband, such children. The reasoning in theory is even correct... But it is untimely.
What it really means:
Not everyone can be in contact with others' pain, disappointment and resentment. Reference to "b" O greater suffering” helps to distance oneself from the interlocutor and at the same time devalue his experiences as insignificant.
Meanwhile, sometimes difficult feelings just need to be shared. And at this moment it doesn’t matter at all whether your soup is thin or small diamonds. Undoubtedly, a person from the Indian slums would dream of your “one-room apartment” with grandma’s renovation. But since childhood, you have dreamed of a beautiful house on the river bank or five children, and so that every time after childbirth sparks do not fall from your eyes after the operating anesthesia wears off. And now you are “sick” of an unfulfilled dream and a premonition that it may never come true.
How to fight:
“Sorry, but this is important to me and I’m really upset.” You directly tell your interlocutor that you refuse to consider your experiences of little value. If he or she is willing to hear you, it can be a very constructive dialogue about values, goals, and how your problems can be solved. If not, perhaps this is not the person you should show your vulnerability to and, again, wait for support.
Reference to "excessive emotionality"
When you are offended or hurt, you are told that your reaction is inappropriate. “You are so emotional!”, “Why do you take everything so acutely,” “You don’t understand jokes at all.”
What it really means:
Indeed, there are hypersensitive people, touchy and susceptible to everything. In addition, everyone experiences periods of fatigue, stress, increased irritability, when it is as if there is no skin and literally everything is affected. Therefore, it is sometimes difficult to distinguish: I am so emotional and see offensive subtext everywhere, or the interlocutor really offends me under the guise of “jokes” and “friendly banter.”
Important criterion: a person who did not want to offend you is unlikely to defend himself aggressively and put everything on you, but rather will be confused. If people use references to “hypersensitivity” after offensive jokes, openly harsh words, rude expressions, and then refer to your “excessive touchiness” - this is real manipulation and psychological violence.
How to fight:
“I was unpleasant,” you say and explain that you heard something offensive in a phrase or joke. In this way, you simultaneously convey that you do not consider your feelings unnecessary and inappropriate. Then everything depends on the response. A person who wants to maintain a good relationship is more likely to enter into a dialogue: he will try to find out what exactly hurt you and explain what he meant. If he or she continues to devalue your feelings, you should consider increasing the distance or ending the relationship. This behavior is toxic: it is designed to first make you feel strong negative feelings, and then reassure you that this is not normal.
Magical thinking. You are told that you cannot talk about bad things and think: “Don’t anger fate (God),” “If you say that everything is bad, everything will be bad.”
What it really means: again, the reluctance to deal with other people’s pain plus magical thinking.
There is no law of nature according to which a person who mentions something bad will certainly “attract” it to himself. There is a certain frame of perception that can really make us pay more attention to disturbing, offensive, hurtful events and less to good ones. This usually happens to people after trauma, a difficult childhood, some kind of loss and stress. There is nothing abnormal about this; not everyone in this world is optimistic.
There is also a state in which we make bad decisions, and then troubles really pour in like a cornucopia. But there is no evil magic in this either: it’s just that a person, for example, in a state of chronic lack of sleep and stress, quite logically is late, confuses the schedule and copes with things less effectively - simply because he is tired and his cognitive abilities are reduced. But there is no law of “attraction of bad things.”
How to fight:
Try to explain to a loved one or acquaintance what exactly worries you in the current situation and why it’s not about fate, but about your anxiety, whether it is justified or not. And whether to communicate with such a pessimist is up to him to decide. But accusing you of “wrong thinking” is not entirely fair.
Positive psychology in the bad sense of the word
“Just look at things positively”, “It all depends on our attitude” - phrases said at a time when you are in serious trouble or when something threatens you.
What it really means:
This is an example of how the good and healthy idea of adult responsibility for one's life has been distorted. Not everything depends on our attitude.
There are regions with high salaries and depressed ones. Of the second, people want to move - not because they don’t know how to see the good, but because they want to receive a decent salary for your work and feed their children. There are good husbands, and there are not so good ones. You can build relationships with a person who wants to build them, but it’s better to stay away from someone who throws heavy objects at you and screams. You cannot use the power of love to force an alcoholic husband to stop drinking, or a psychopathic boss to shout at every meeting.
The responsibility here is to consider ending the relationship or changing jobs. Looking positively at an abusive partner is life-threatening.
How to fight:
In mild cases - for example, when you are asked to “look positively” at troubles at work, you can try discussing the idea of looking positively at the threat of dismissal. Maybe there will indeed be reasonable arguments (you yourself have been dissatisfied with this place for a long time), or the interlocutor will agree that everything is not very rosy and you should be supported in some other way.
In severe cases - for example, when you are asked to "look positively" at an abusive partner or a serious illness - it is quite appropriate to react sharply. Perhaps the interlocutor will leave his alternative reality and think about your physical safety and the seriousness of your problems. But in general, such relationships do not have much chance.
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The idea of this article hovered in the air for a long time, supported by doubts and non-existent grievances. More and more often I began to take out of context “no big deal” and “whatever, it’s not worth it”, “okay, nothing special”, “happens to everyone”. We're talking about depreciation.
The most classic examples of this disease can be seen on the playground:
- Mom, look at the castle I made!
-Are you sure this is a castle? Looks more like a dead dinosaur.
(devaluation of actions)
- Dad, it hurts meyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
- Well, it’s okay, are you a kid or where, why are you so different?
(devaluation of emotions)
The school is not far away:
- Mom, I got an A for my essay!
- What did you want? Your grandmother is a literature teacher. And Lena from the parallel class, by the way, won the Olympics. How does it feel for our grandmother to hear this?
(devaluation of qualities and achievements)
And so we, with all this baggage behind us, enter adulthood and begin to devalue ourselves and others.
It seems to us that we are not very beautiful, far from successful and not at all smart. We try to hide our vulnerability, holding back tears of tenderness and hiding a smile where we think it is inappropriate.
We convince ourselves that everything that happens to us is absolutely unimportant and not worth being noticed. Nothing special.
By devaluing, we protect ourselves from past negative experiences and, as a result, we are deprived of opportunities in the present. We create armor and “sit in the house”, where the food is warm and tasty.
A friend says: “Zhenya, you need to write, you’re doing great,” and I responded: “Come on, that’s nonsense, everyone writes, so what can I do.”
Why am I doing this? And then that I'm trying to preserve my own self-esteem by protecting it from attacks. So that when the unflattering sound comes out: “What kind of self-searching is this, sucked out of thin air,” I would be ready for it.
All these games of competition and fighting an invisible enemy come from childhood. Who has forgotten that same Lenka, who wrote dictations better than anyone, or Kolya, a genius in mathematics?
Often behind devaluation there is also a fear of admitting one’s own vulnerability and showing true emotions. A friend of mine, a kind-hearted person, is not, however, inclined to show feelings, considering them a sign of weakness. It’s easier for her to make an ironic comment than to admit that something touched her. And it’s a shame to cry, even though it’s out of joy.
Perhaps it's time to deal with this thorn in a place that is not so obvious to it.
Diagnosis one: I devalue myself
We reveal where this or that belief about ourselves came from, what negative experience is behind this. Someone’s carelessly thrown phrase or our own unsuccessful actions or a disapproving look. We remember the situation and separate our past self from our present self. Yes, during adolescence I had acne and ten extra pounds. Yes, I didn’t always do well in math and physics, and I didn’t sing in the most pleasant voice. But this does not mean at all that at 32 I am a fat fool with no musical abilities.Having completed the mental excavations, we find positive attitudes and replace old beliefs.
Positive experiences will help us with this, such as: a happy marriage, an established career, and even the fact that the neighbors don’t call the police when I want to sing in the shower. Friends are also a storehouse of positive information about ourselves.
Call a friend and invite them to remember your successes and achievements - while having fun.
So, we collect information bit by bit, grind it into flour and part with the demons of the past.
"I am the most charming and attractive. All men are crazy about me..."
Film "The most charming and attractive."
Let's get rid of the desire for perfection. Devaluing ourselves, we forget that life has endowed us with unique abilities. We do not appreciate the gifts given to us, remaining hungry at a trough filled with all kinds of dishes and cajoling our inner critic.
How to stop following the lead of the eternally dissatisfied monster of perfectionism? First of all, shake up your portfolio of excellent students and throw out such destructive attitudes as: “I must be the best,” “I have no right to make mistakes,” “it’s better not to start at all if there is even the slightest chance of not succeeding,” “to be I’m ashamed of someone else,” “a good grade must be earned.”
Congratulations on finishing school - it's time to be yourself! We are not better or worse than others - we are others, brave and beautiful in our own imperfections.
Perfectionism is not seeking the best. It's following the worst part of us, the voice that tells us that everything we do isn't good enough and we need to try again.
Julia Cameron "The Artist's Way"
We believe in the importance of our business. Even if it seems to everyone that no one cares about your hobby and perhaps you are crazy, even when criticism falls on you and doubts overcome you... if you truly enjoy what you do, continue to do it, no matter what .
Vincent van Gogh
We remember those who are dear to us. It helped me a lot to realize that by devaluing myself, I was canceling out the contribution of people close to me to my life. I forget about my grandmother and my first Russian language lessons, about my mother, who by her example passed on to me a love of reading, about literature teacher Natalya Nikolaevna and enthusiastic debates in class about happiness, sin and salvation in the name of love, about the incomparable Elena Ivanovna, thanks to whom I still remember the declensions of adjectives in German.Somehow I can’t bear to say now that I’m a so-so graphomaniac, and my German is desperately bad.
Diagnosis two: I am devalued
Psychology defines devaluation as a form of psychological violence with options for getting rid of it in the form of flight from the source of danger. That is, he simply offers to stop communicating with those who do not value us.I personally am not close to this approach: I am of the opinion that we get exactly what we deserve. We create our own reality, and if we are confident in ourselves and what we do, we openly express our emotions and feelings, then the issue of others devaluing us becomes conditional.
It is unlikely that we will be offended by an obscene comment or an incorrect assessment, because both of them are a sign of weakness and the interlocutor’s own dissatisfaction. And if it does touch, we say “thank you” (like the doctor who opened the purulent abscess), return to the first point and continue to work.
For me, there is nothing more exciting than openly admitting your weaknesses and transforming them into strengths, filling them with the power of meaningfulness.
When you are rejected and made to suffer, the thought arises that this is what the offender wanted and that evil intentions will continue to guide him in the future. However, when you think this way, you are almost always wrong. Most often, the offender is simply not interested in you. He doesn't hurt you - you hurt yourself.
Charles Palliser, "Unburied"
Diagnosis three: I devalue others
We observe and notice. Often, devaluation occurs due to habit, behavioral stereotypes, fear of showing emotions, or because of the desire to assert oneself. It is important to keep track of each of these moments, to remember that carelessly thrown to your husband: “It would be better if I called a specialist, your hands are growing in the wrong place” or to your son: “Look, what a great guy Ilyusha is, not like you” can hurt. We ourselves, without noticing it, build relationships on depreciation, and we wonder why the marriage is bursting at the seams, our friends are all envious, and our children are dunces, and even with a bad character.
I admit, it’s easier for me to just say, “Why are you whining, it’s not worth it,” than to ask what happened and how important it is and, perhaps, actually worth children’s tears.
We don't compare. With no one. Even if Vasya is definitely better at solving problems, and Tanka’s husband earns more and is almost a deputy, you should not live with Vasya or with someone else’s husband, but with your own men. I repent, I’m a sinner. Sometimes, out of old habit, some moralizing “And Masha…” is on the tip of her tongue. However, the awareness of the fact that it carries nothing but humiliation and disappointment leaves it unspoken.
Thank you. For me, this is the find of the year, a panacea for depreciation.
Gratitude is good soil. On it you can grow, if not magical love bushes, but quite a good tree with edible fruits.
Victoria Tokareva, "First attempt".
How to give thanks? We keep a gratitude journal. We remember everything that made our day better and note it in our diary.
We are used to paying attention to what we don’t like, but we don’t notice the positive aspects, taking them for granted.
The smile of a child, a cup of hot tea brought by your husband, cherry jam made by grandma especially for you (and how she, weak-sighted, took out the seeds with her wrinkled hands) - all these are wonderful reasons for gratitude.
All our complaints that life is difficult and unbearable, our complaints about what we are deprived of, stem from a lack of gratitude for what we have.
Daniel Defoe
Here are some entries from my diary:
- I am grateful to God that I am alive and well, I have a home, food, clothes, and I do not need anything.
- I am grateful to myself that I woke up at 6 am, wrote my morning pages, did some practice and cooked a delicious breakfast.
- I am grateful to my husband for his love and support.
- I am grateful to my son for his inspiration, lessons in patience and warm breath on my cheek.
- I am grateful to my friend for the letter filled with her experiences, laughter, and joy.
- I am grateful to our parents for their endless care of us and our son.
Once we focus on the pleasant moments, life turns its face towards us.
What did you think? She can do it.