How to make your husband the first to reconcile. How to make peace with a man The type of man who is not the first to make peace

NEVER!!!

When I was a teenager, I thought that when a girl is the first to make peace with a boy, she will overstep her pride, humiliate herself, etc.

Then I grew up (now I’ve passed the age “for those over 30”) and my opinion changed radically. I began to think that the one who wants to maintain peace with his loved one goes for reconciliation, and that the first step towards is not always a disadvantage, but sometimes even an advantage (after all, it is a known fact that two people are to blame for a quarrel, one was able to overcome himself and go to a meeting). So what do I get? In the face, in the face and again in the face (both literally and figuratively)?

The first big quarrel. I'm going to peace. At every opportunity, my husband remembers, “Well, you yourself wanted something there? So rock the boat!” What follows are many small quarrels, during which I explain (not always in a mild form, unfortunately) that in fact you shouldn’t blame me for the fact that I WANTED TO RESTORE OUR RELATIONSHIP. Relationships are such a complex thing that you can’t handle it alone....

Then another big quarrel ensues. And again I’m going to the World War (my second mistake - after the first time I might have understood). And again!!! I get the same thing. Yes, my husband, he no longer said such things directly. but it kept slipping through: “you insisted, you wanted.” Lord, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to, but why fool me, tell me right away! No, he verbally agrees, and then...

And from all this I got the feeling that the great poet was right: “The less we love a woman...”. That is, the man felt that his wife had backed down - to immediately “twist” as he wanted, and at every opportunity to accuse “you yourself wanted it, so rock the boat, but I won’t do anything.” And it doesn’t depend on how long you communicated with the man - a month or 10 years. To
And it doesn’t matter whether there are children or not.

I don’t see the difference between the behavior of my husband (with whom I have lived for more than a year or two, and with whom we have a child), who simply revels in the fact that I went to the world first, and the boy with whom I kissed in the entrance to 10th grade.

And in response to my last attempts at reconciliation, he simply beat me up. I agree that I didn’t choose the best way and time (I tried to hug and kiss him), but I didn’t expect a fist in the face... I freaked out in response and slapped him in the face, and he hit me back - again with a fist in the face. Such precedents have already happened before. And sometimes, when I talk to my husband, I squint in fear and shudder.

And now I have sworn that I will never be the first to go to peace. It doesn’t matter if it’s your fault or not, they’ll still blame you. And for being the first to reconcile, they will also blame you.

He frowns, ruffles his feathers like a dove in cold weather, and sits half sideways, imitating resentment and extreme vulnerability. Is this a familiar picture? At the same time, it is clear that with one eye he is looking in your direction and watching when you can’t stand it and, in a fit of impatience, come up to make peace. And the first one himself will never come up for anything - there is no such compelling reason in the world for him to change his decision! You get tired of such male integrity very quickly. What to do with such a touchy character?

They don’t carry water for the offended

The first step is to understand why this is done. There may be several options for why he constantly wanders around in upset feelings and never goes on the attack for forgiveness. In the first case, he most likely was always like this, and the woman, in the heat of pink love, was the first to put up with it, but did not pay attention to such a trifle. Well, just think, it’s a big problem to be the first to approach, pride will not fall off - a woman doesn’t mind apologizing even just like that, but then there will be peace and tranquility in the family. And then time passes, and he does not weaken his unnecessary pride. My patience bursts, and I become disgusted by such a manifestation of character. The worst thing is that this sullenness and resentment practically cannot be cured, because to cure it, you need to solve the problem through awareness of it. How is this possible if a person is always sure that everyone around him is to blame except him? That's right, no way! And the inability to ask for forgiveness and admit guilt at a minimum indicates a person’s low self-esteem.

The Hen and the Golden Egg

It also happens that a friend’s parents did not teach him proper manners, and this little fellow grew up selfish in greenhouse conditions. If a mother hen ran and clucked over her golden egg, which in fact is the most standard white one, then a man grows up confident that everyone around him owes him. Such a narcissist exaggerates all the actions of others and presents them in different, sadder colors. It seems to him that everyone just wants to hurt him, offend him, be rude and cause him harm. And his companion also does not become an exception, and therefore she has to justify herself and make peace first. After all, any little thing for such a man can be the last straw; he will definitely make a mountain out of a molehill and pretend to be a victim of circumstances. In principle, it is possible to reach such a fruit if you explain to him that the world is larger than the order of relations recognized in his family. He will have to, like a child, chew for a long time and patiently that such behavior can be painful, offensive and unpleasant for others.

Offended manipulator

How does he react? If he didn’t give a damn about your opinion from his bookcase and continues to sit and chuckle, then draw conclusions. Perhaps you have come across a notorious abuser who fakes suffering in order to develop a sense of guilt in you and ride on him. It is beneficial for the manipulator to be constantly offended, because this is the very thread by which he can pull his female puppet. You can accuse a woman of callousness, lack of understanding, even of your own humiliation, and on this wave commit ridiculous and unmanly acts.

Normal loving men change under the affectionate requests of a woman. And they will begin, first of all, by trying to change for her sake, for the sake of relationships and family, and not by defending their stubborn position. And they won’t give a damn about the fact that his mother raised him wrong; he can’t live with his mother. But if a friend is ready to maintain an atmosphere of war with you and even play in silence for a couple of days until you crawl on your knees, but not because you are guilty, but because there is no other way, then be sure to ask yourself whether your chosen one is really worthy of your novel? If a man behaves like Rapunzel in the tower in quarrels, what can you expect from him when real thunder really strikes? I’m not talking about a chivalrous apology when in fact she’s wrong, but he’s a gentleman, he already understands everything, he doesn’t mind being the first to come up and make peace. And if it’s your own fault, then he won’t let you come to your senses at all, and you’ve already forgiven! Because after all, girls are more vulnerable, emotional and touchy creatures, and for many of us the fact that he was the first to approach is much more important than the apology itself!

Experience shows that it is the most difficult to reconcile with family and friends. This phenomenon can be explained by the fact that people’s sensitivity to the actions of their loved ones is overestimated. Insults inflicted by loved ones leave a deeper mark. At the same time, a person is practically unable to soberly evaluate them and easily survive them. But, nevertheless, if your loved one has offended you, you strive for reconciliation with him.

Psychologists advise a woman to be the first to reconcile. They consider the reason for this to be the fact that it is easier for her to do this because of her stronger emotional side. Experts are not wrong about this, but it’s not just about forgiveness. If a woman is the first to reconcile, it means that deep down she has already forgiven her husband.

How to force your husband to be the first to reconcile?

The main reason she doesn't want to forgive before him is the fear that a similar situation will happen again. And then the husband will understand that it is not necessary to put up with his wife first, because she will always do it instead of him. Thus, he will not consider himself guilty, and his behavior under such circumstances will become the norm.

The question arises: why do we need a husband who will constantly offend his wife without a twinge of conscience? But unfortunately, life is designed in such a way that more than one person is imperfect. They may not notice their mistakes, however, this is the reality. Therefore, the simplest and most effective way to point out a person’s mistakes is to make him feel the same about himself.

It’s not enough just to want to make peace with your husband, you need to be able to do it in such a way that he understands his guilt. We need to make him realize the mistakes he made so as not to repeat them in the future. Here you need to act thoughtfully, while managing your emotions. There are several stages of conversation with your husband:

1. Pointing out to the husband his guilt.
2. Make the man learn to listen.
3. Going to the essence of the problem.
4. Listening to the husband's arguments.

As for the first stage, sometimes a man simply does not know about his guilt, but may not approach his wife out of pride. Perhaps during the scandal, his wife insulted him so much that now he does not want to be the first to reconcile. However, the reason may be that the husband is simply confident that he is right. He looks at circumstances from only one point of view.

Whatever the situation, there are reasons why the husband believes that the truth is on his side. You need to understand that his and her worldviews differ, so you need to point out to him the existence of another point of view.

In the second point, you need to force your husband to listen to himself. First you just need to apologize. This will endear the person to the interlocutor, and he himself will want to listen to him. And this is exactly what the wife needs now.

If you look at life correctly, you can understand that there is always something to apologize for. These can be rude words, a raised tone, and impatience. You just need to explain to the man why the apology was made.

Now you can move on to the next point. It is worth explaining your point of view to your husband, if possible without using the conjunctions “but”, “a”, “only” in your speech. At the same time, you need to try not to go over to his side. It is necessary to describe to her husband the feelings and pain that she experienced during the quarrel. This way you can show him how it looked from the outside.

And finally, the last point. You need to listen to your husband himself. It is important to remember that a one-sided conversation will not bring much results. Therefore, we need to let him speak. There is no need to expect an apology from a man, but if he expresses his understanding of the pain that she experienced and says that he will not allow this to happen again, this will already be a victory on the part of the wife.

There is no need to delay the conversation. After the wife understands that her husband has realized everything, she needs to close the conversation. This way, next time he will be able to overcome his pride and be the first to reconcile.