Adele faber how to talk so that children learn. Reviews of the book "how to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk" Faber, Mazlish

“All we are given is the opportunity to make ourselves this way or that way.”

Jose Ortega y Gasset

© Eksmo Publishing House LLC, 2013

Books in the series “Education according to Faber and Mazlish”

“How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk”

This book is a reasonable, understandable, well-written and humorous guide to how to communicate correctly with children. No boring theory! Only proven practical recommendations and a lot of live examples for all occasions! The authors, world-renowned experts in the field of parent-child relationships, share with the reader both their own experience (each has three adult children) and the experience of numerous parents who have attended their seminars. The book will be of interest to anyone who wants to come to full understanding with children and stop “generational conflicts” forever.

“How to talk so teenagers will listen, and how to listen so teenagers will talk”

In their new book, the authors showed how, using their famous communication technique, find contact with children of adolescence, build trusting relationships with them, talk about difficult topics such as sex, drugs and provocative appearance, help them become independent, take responsibility for their actions and make informed, reasonable decisions.

"Brothers and sisters. How to help your children live together"

When having another child, parents dream that the children will be friends with each other, that the older one will help the younger one, giving the mother time to rest or do other things. But in reality, the appearance of another child in a family is often accompanied by numerous childhood experiences, jealousy, resentment, quarrels and even fights.

“Perfect Parents in 60 Minutes.” Express course from world experts in education"

The long-awaited new product from experts No. 1 in communicating with children Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish! The 1992 edition is fully adapted to modern realities! In the book you will find: excerpts from the legendary Faber and Mazlish methodology - briefly the most important; analysis of difficult situations in comics; “correct reaction” tests; practical exercises to consolidate skills; answers to pressing questions from parents.

Ideal format for busy parents!

Acknowledgments

We express our gratitude to Leslie Faber and Robert Mazlish, our home consultants, who always helped us with a well-formulated phrase, a new idea, or a parting word.

Thanks to Carl, Joanna and Abram Faber, Katie, Liz and John Mazlish, who encouraged us to simply be there.

Kati Menninger, who supervised the printing process of our manuscript with the utmost attention to detail.

Kimberly Ko, who took our doodles and scribbled directions and sent us drawings of parents and children that made us feel warm.

Robert Markel for his support and mentorship at critical times.

Gerard Nirenberg, friend and advisor, who generously shared his experience and erudition.

Parents at our seminars for their written work and for their strict criticism.

Ann Marie Geiger and Patricia King, who helped us endlessly when we needed them.

Jim Wade, our editor, whose endless good humor and concern for the quality of the book made us a joy to work with.

Dr. Chaim Guinott, who introduced us to new ways of communicating with children.

With his death, children all over the world lost their great protector. He loved them very much.

Letter to readers

Dear reader,

we never thought we'd write a "how to" parenting book about communication skills. The relationship between parents and children is very personal. The idea of giving someone instructions on how to talk to their child didn't seem quite right to us. In our first book "Free parents - free children" we tried not to teach or preach - we wanted to tell a story. The seminars we conducted over the years with late childhood specialist, psychologist Dr. Chaim Ginott, had a profound impact on our lives. We were confident that if we told the story of how new skills helped us relate differently to our children and ourselves, our mood would be conveyed to the readers, they would be inspired and begin to improvise themselves.

To a certain extent, this is what happened. Many parents, proud of their successes, wrote to us about what they were able to achieve in their homes just because of reading about our experiences. There were other letters united by a common appeal. People wanted us to write a second book with specific instructions...practice exercises...techniques...tear-off pages with reminders...something to help them master the skills step by step.

We seriously considered this idea for some time, but our initial doubts returned and we put the idea on the back burner again. We were also very busy and focused on the talks and workshops that were being prepared for our lecture tours.

Over the next few years, we traveled around the country conducting workshops for parents, teachers, school principals, medical staff, adolescents, and social service workers. Everywhere we went, people shared with us their own thoughts about these new methods of communication—their doubts, frustrations, and enthusiasm. We were grateful for their candor and learned something from everyone. Our archive is filled to capacity with new and exciting materials.

Meanwhile, mail continued to arrive not only from the United States, but also from France, Canada, Israel, New Zealand, the Philippines and India. Ms. Anagha Gunpul from New Delhi wrote:

“I have so many problems that I would like to ask your advice about... Please tell me what can I do to study this topic in detail? I've reached a dead end. Old methods don't work for me, and I don't have new skills. Please help me figure this out."

It all started with this letter.

We started thinking again about the possibility of writing a book that would show “how” to do things. The more we talked about it, the more comfortable we became with the idea. Why not write a “how to” book and include exercises so parents can gain the knowledge they want?

Why not write a book that gives parents the chance to put into practice, at their own pace, what they have learned themselves or from a friend?

Why not write a book with a hundred examples of useful dialogue so parents can adapt the language to their own style?

The book may contain pictures that show the application of this knowledge in practice, so that anxious parents can look at the picture and quickly repeat what they have learned.

We could personalize the book. We would share our own experiences, answer common questions, and include stories and insights that parents in our groups have shared with us over the past six years. But most importantly, we would keep in mind at all times our main goal - the constant search for methods that affirm self-esteem and humanity in children and parents.

Suddenly our initial embarrassment about writing a How To book disappeared. Every field of art and science has its educational books. Why not write one for parents who want to learn how to talk so that their children will listen to them, and listen so that their children will talk?

Once we decided on this, we started writing very quickly. We hope Ms Gunpool gets a free copy in New Delhi before her children grow up.

Adele Faber

Elaine Mazlish

How to read and use this book

It seems too arrogant to us to tell everyone how to read a book (especially considering that we both start reading books from the middle or even from the end). But since this is our book, we would like to let you know how we think you should approach it. After you get used to it by flipping through it and looking at the pictures, start with the first chapter. Do exercises as you read. Resist the temptation to skip them and move on to the “nice bits.” If you have a friend with whom you can work on the exercises, then even better. We hope you will talk, argue and discuss the answers in detail with him.

We also hope that you will write down your answers so that this book becomes a personal reminder for you. Write neatly or illegibly, change your mind, cross out or erase, but write.

Read the book slowly. It took us more than ten years to find out everything that we tell in it. We do not encourage you to read it for as long, but if the methods outlined here are interesting to you, then you may want to change something in your life, then it is better to do it little by little, rather than abruptly. After reading a chapter, put the book aside and give yourself a week to complete the task before moving forward again. (You may be thinking, “There's so much to do, the last thing I need is an assignment!” However, experience tells us that putting knowledge into practice and recording results helps build skills.)

In conclusion, let's say a word about pronouns. We tried to avoid awkward “he/she, him/her, himself/herself”, moving freely from masculine to feminine. We hope that we have not neglected any gender in this regard.

1
Helping children cope with their feelings

Chapter 1
Four rules

I was a wonderful mother before I had children. I knew very well why all people have problems with their children. And then I had three of my own.

Life with children can be very difficult. Every morning I told myself: “Today everything will be different,” and still it repeated the previous one. “You gave her more than me!..”, “This is a pink cup. I want a blue cup”, “This cereal looks like vomit”, “He hit me”, “I didn’t touch him at all!”, “I’m not going to my room. You are not my boss!

They finally got me. And although I never even dreamed in my wildest dreams that I could do such a thing, I joined the parent group. The group met at a local psychopediatric center and was led by a young psychologist, Dr. Chaim Ginott.

The meeting turned out to be quite interesting. His theme was the feelings of a child, and two hours flew by. When I returned home, my head was spinning with new thoughts, and my notebook was full of random notes:

There is a direct connection between how children feel and how they behave.

When children feel good, they behave well.

How do we help them feel good?

Accepting their feelings!

The problem is that parents usually do not understand the feelings of their children. For example: “You really feel something completely different,” “You are saying this because you are tired,” “There is no reason to be so upset.”

Constant denial of feelings can confuse and enrage a child. It also teaches them not to understand or trust their feelings.

I remember after the meeting I thought, “Maybe other parents do this. Me not". Then I started taking care of myself. Here are a few sample conversations that took place in my home in one day.

Child. Mommy, I'm tired!

ME: You couldn't get tired. You just dozed off.

Child ( louder). But I'm tired.

Me: You're not tired. You're just a little sleepyhead. Let's get dressed.

Child ( screams). No, I'm tired!

Child. Mommy, it's hot in here.

ME: It's cold here. Don't take off your sweater.

Child. No, I'm hot.

ME: I said, “Don’t take off your sweater!”

Child. No, I'm hot.

Child. This TV show was boring.

Me: No, it was very interesting.

Child. It was stupid.

ME: It was instructive.

Child. It's disgusting.

ME: Don't say that!

See what happened? In addition to the fact that all our conversations turned into arguments, I again and again convinced the children not to trust their feelings, but to rely on mine instead.

One day I realized what I was doing. I decided to change. But I didn’t know exactly how to take it on. What finally helped me the most was trying to look at everything from a child's point of view. I asked myself: “Suppose I were a child who was tired, hot or bored. And let’s say I would like an important adult in my life to know how I feel..."

Over the next few weeks, I tried to tune into what I thought my children might be experiencing, and when I did, my words seemed to come naturally. I didn't just use technical techniques. I really meant what I said: “So you still feel tired even though you just took a nap.” Or: “I’m cold, but you’re hot here.” Or: “I see you’re not particularly interested in this TV program.” Ultimately we were two different people, capable of having two different sets of feelings. None of us were right or wrong. Each of us felt what we felt.

For some time my new knowledge was of great help to me. The number of arguments between me and the children has noticeably decreased. Then one day my daughter announced:

- I hate grandma.

She talked about to my mom. I didn't hesitate for a second.

– You can’t say such terrible things! – I barked. “You know very well that you didn’t mean it.” So that I don’t hear such words from you anymore.

This little fight taught me something else about myself. I could accept most of the children's feelings, but as soon as one of them said something to me that made me angry or worried, I immediately returned to my old behavior.

I have since learned that my reaction was not strange or unusual. Below you will find examples of other things children say that often lead to automatic denial from their parents. Please read each statement and briefly write down what you think parents should say if they deny their child's feelings.

1. Child. I don't like the newborn.

Parents ( denying this feeling).

2. Child. It was a stupid birthday. (After you've gone out of your way to make it a wonderful day.)

Parents ( denying this feeling).

3. Child. I won't wear the record anymore. I'm in pain. I don't care what the dentist says!

Parents ( denying this feeling).

4. Child. I was so pissed off! Just because I arrived two minutes late for physical education, the teacher did not include me in the team.

Parents ( denying this feeling).

You find yourself writing:

"This is wrong. I know that deep down you really love your brother/sister.”

"What are you talking about? You had a wonderful birthday - ice cream, birthday cake, balloons. Okay, this is the last holiday they organized for you!”

“Your record can’t hurt you that much. At the end of the day, we've put so much money into this that you'll be wearing it whether you like it or not!”

“You have no right to be angry with the teacher. It's your fault. There was no need to be late."

For some reason, these phrases come to our minds most easily. But how do children feel when they hear them? To understand what it's like to have your feelings ignored, try the following exercise.

Imagine that you are at work. The boss asks to do some extra work for him. He wants her to be ready by the end of the day. It's supposed to be something you should do right away, but because of a series of urgent tasks that have come up, you've completely forgotten about it. It's such a crazy day that you barely have time to eat lunch.

When you and some employees are ready to go home, your boss comes up to you and asks you to give him the finished piece of work. You quickly try to explain how busy you have been all day.

He interrupts you. In a loud, angry voice he yells: “I’m not interested in your excuses! Why the hell do you think I pay you to sit on your ass all day?” As soon as you open your mouth to say something, he says, “That's enough.” And heads to the elevator.

The employees pretend they didn't hear anything. You finish packing your things and leave the office. On your way home you meet a friend. You are still so upset that you start telling him what happened.

Your friend is trying to “help” you in eight different ways. As you read each response, tune in to the immediate spontaneous response and write it down. (There are no right or wrong reactions. Whatever you feel is normal for you.)

1. Denial of feelings:“There is no reason to be so upset. It's stupid to feel like that. You're probably just tired and making mountains out of molehills. It can't be as bad as you describe. Come on, smile... You're so cute when you smile."

Your reaction:

2. Philosophical answer:“Listen, this is how life is. Things don't always happen the way we want them to. You need to learn to take such things calmly. Nothing is perfect in this world."

Your reaction:

3. Advice:“You know what I think you should do? Tomorrow morning, go to your boss’s office and say: “Sorry, I was wrong.” Then sit down and finish the part of the work that you forgot to do today. Don't get distracted by urgent matters. And if you are smart and want to keep this job, you should be sure that nothing like this will happen again.”

Your reaction:

4. Questions:“What urgent matters led you to forget about your boss’s special request?

“Didn’t you realize that he would be angry if you didn’t start doing it right away?”

“Has this ever happened before?”

"Why didn't you follow him when he left the room and try to explain everything again?"

Your reaction:

5. Protecting another person:“I understand your boss’s reaction. He probably already has terrible time pressure. You’re lucky he doesn’t get irritated more often.”

Your reaction:

6. A pity:“Oh, poor fellow. It's horrible! I sympathize with you, I’ll just cry now.”

Your reaction: ______________

7. An attempt at psychoanalysis:“Has it occurred to you that the real reason you're upset is because your boss symbolizes the father figure in your life? As a child, you may have been afraid of displeasing your father, and when your boss scolded you, your early fears of being disliked returned to you. This is wrong?"

Your reaction:

8. Empathy (trying to tune into another person's feelings):“Yeah, it’s quite an unpleasant experience. To be subjected to such harsh criticism in front of other people, especially after such a workload, is not easy to endure!”

Your reaction:

But as soon as someone is willing to really listen to me, acknowledge my inner pain and give me the opportunity to talk more about what is bothering me, I begin to feel less upset, less confused, able to deal with my feelings and my problem.

I may even say to myself, “My boss is usually fair... I guess I should have started this report right away... But I still can't forgive him for what he did... Okay, I'll just come early tomorrow morning and write first thing this report... But when I bring it to his office, I will let him know how upset I am that he talked to me like that... I will also let him know that starting from today, when he wants to express something to me criticism, I will be grateful to him if he does not do this in front of everyone.”

Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish

How to talk so children will listen, and how to listen so children will talk

“All we are given is the opportunity to make ourselves this way or that way.”

Jose Ortega y Gasset